There are some days that, for whatever reason, are just harder than others.  This is one of those days. 

I am frustrated with all sorts of things for different reasons.  I am overstimulated and underwhelmed and I really hope that this doesn’t last much longer. 

I started out this morning intending to get up and do yoga in an attempt to start the morning out well.  Instead I lay in bed until nearly 7.  I honestly have no idea why I stayed in bed so long.  I’d already woken up at 5:20, before the alarm went off, signifying that my pill was done working and that I might as well get up.  I rarely go back to sleep and, even if I did, a short amount of time doesn’t really make a difference.  In the grand scheme of things, lying there just makes me feel worse. 

I’ve spent the whole day either being hungry, nauseous or extremely thirsty even when I’ve just polished off a 32oz. bottle of water.  I’ve been having this problem a lot lately.  Even when I’m hungry, I can’t find anything I want to eat.  I’ll stare forlornly at the refrigerator, the pantry, the shelves, the fruit basket and realize… nothing looks good.  Even if I just bought it because I thought it would be delicious.  Or, something looks good but requires preparation and I am lazy so I end up with a plate of baby spinach and veggie broth which is boring but easy or a plate of chips with salsa which, while delicious, usually makes me feel sick.  I think I’m going to have to start actually planning out meals again so I don’t drive myself nuts.  So far today I’ve had a strawberry/banana/soy milk smoothie from Whole Foods and a packet of fruit snacks — not exactly gourmet fare, I know, but I just haven’t managed to force anything else down and the real problem is that I probably wouldn’t have had any of that if I didn’t take my lunch break with Jesse. 

(I did, however, find an absolutely delicious mushroom dish in one of my vegetarian cookbooks — sautee 16oz. of whole white mushrooms and 3 crushed garlic cloves in one tablespoon of extra-virgin olive oil for about 10 minutes.  Then, add 3 tbsp. of whole wheat bread crumbs, 2 tbsp. fresh parsley, 1 tbsp. lemon juice, 1 tsp. dried rosemary and freshly ground black pepper to taste.  Serve immediately.)

On to other things about today.  They had to test the fire alarms today.  It only went on for about five minutes but I’ve felt a bit off ever since.  It’s one of those incredibly piercing alarms with flashing strobe lights.  I managed to almost drown out the noise listening to my iPod but nothing could get rid of the strobe lights.  We’ve had men with ladders running through our floor, removing the ceiling tiles looking for God-knows-what all day.  The problem that programming created last week (they made it so we couldn’t submit any changes on bound policies, even though that’s something we have to do multiple times every single day and is a large part of my daily duties) still hasn’t been fixed so I’ve been floating through my task queue desperately searching for something I can actually work on.  I know a lot of people would welcome a day where they had a built-in excuse to not get things done but it freaks me out.  When I have a day where I’m not constantly busy and rushing to get things done I feel like I’m wasting time and not earning my salary. 

It’s just been one of those days.  It’s too hot or it’s too cold.  I’m hyper-aware of everything from the tiny hairs on my legs to the fact that my ponytail is a little off-center.  I feel like there’s gunk under my nails even though I can’t see any.  There’s this weird throbbing in my temple which isn’t a headache and isn’t brain-freeze but is distracting.  Everyone’s talking in Underwriting and I can’t seem to separate out conversations — it all just sounds like NOISE and it’s driving me a little bit crazy.  My skin’s dry and itchy and I swear I smell chemicals although no one else can and that weird high-pitched whine that no one else can ever hear has been popping up all day.  All in all, it is one of those days where I swear I know what it is like to be autistic although, of course, I don’t.  I can still function.  It’s just a whole heck of a lot harder. 

Mike still doesn’t have a job which is stressing him (and me and Jesse) out so there have been more arguments in the apartment.  Now, I know I’m being the unreasonable one here since arguing is normal and my hatred of it is not.  It’s just that it really stresses me out and gives me stomachaches and just generally makes little things bother me even more than usual.  It’s almost made everyone a bit jumpy about money even though we don’t really need to be.  It’s not like we can’t make up his portion of the rent or bills — we won’t get evicted, we’re not going to have the power disconnected, we’re not living on Top Ramen — it’s just more stressful than we’d like and none of us had any idea that it would take him this long to find something. 

I’m probably just being cranky.  I just hate days where nothing seems to work out for no apparent reason.  It’s nothing anything’s WRONG.  It’s just that nothing’s RIGHT.  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that it’s Tuesday.  I never could quite get the hang of Tuesdays. 

Anyway, this concludes your Alicia-update.  Hopefully there won’t be too many entries like this.  Tonight Jesse and I are going out to a free Happy Hour that one of the vendors is throwing for the claims department.  Maybe free drinks and hanging out with co-workers will help.

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